


Understanding Versus Reality

by Mintoki



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder, The eating disorder isn't graphic but it is the main focus of the story, Tim Drake-centric, purging disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 06:30:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17934590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mintoki/pseuds/Mintoki
Summary: "People don’t understand.That’s a fact that Tim has learned in the past few years since people found out about his eating disorder. Whether they were there from day one, like Dick or Bruce, or hear about it when he’s already two years into recovery like Damian, they can never truly comprehend what made him do it."





	Understanding Versus Reality

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, so I'm back with a short piece but it's very important to me. This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week and so I thought I would share something. A great portion of Tim's feelings in this fic reflect my own along with my own experiences (though not 100%) so I thought it was a good way to share some things as well as healthily express myself
> 
> As in the tags, this fic discusses eating disorders and some feelings associated with them so if that makes you uncomfortable or could potentially trigger you, please don't read this. Your health and safety takes top priority!
> 
> I wasn't sure if I could call this angst or hurt/comfort really but that's what I tagged this as. I just don't want people thinking it's a tragedy or anything like that. Also different writing style than I'm used to on this one so hopefully it's not too wonky
> 
> As always please leave a comment if you'd like to! I always love hearing your thoughts and reactions to anything I write

People don’t understand.

That’s a fact that Tim has learned in the past few years since people found out about his eating disorder. Whether they were there from day one, like Dick or Bruce, or hear about it when he’s already two years into recovery like Damian, they can never truly comprehend what made him do it.

“You aren’t fat, Drake. You never were.” Damian spits, perhaps trying to compensate for the the actual niceness present in his words. Despite his huffy attitude, it means a lot that the youngest is trying to reassure him.

It’s not about the weight though. It never has been, at least not for Tim.

Now, he won’t lie and say that he never thought about how he looked, or considered how he might avoid gaining weight by throwing up specific meals where he might have overindulged. He definitely did that. But Tim’s a smart kid. Even back then, he knew that him purging every so often after eating wouldn’t transform him. Ironically, he’s actually probably thinner now than he ever was when he would induce vomiting.

So no, Tim didn’t start throwing up to lose weight like so many people expect. It’s hard to organize and convey what exactly it was. “Control” is the closest word he can find, but even that seems cliche and inaccurate. It’s not like Tim suddenly thought to himself one day _‘Hey, if I force myself to throw up dinner then I’ll feel better about myself and how my life is spiraling out of control!’_ It all just sort of… happened. Whenever something upsetting happened, he would simply go to the bathroom and retch into the toilet.

Even back before anyone knew, it was never extreme. Maybe once or twice every month, just so he could take his mind off whatever was upsetting him. The worst it got was probably right after his mom died, but even then, after about a month of mourning he went back to his regular schedule.

“So you’re… bulimic?” Stephanie asks on a rooftop one night as the two look over the Gotham cityscape. They’re fifteen and it’s about six months after Tim impulsively confided in Dick about his purging habit. Tim wants to say _‘No’_ but that would mean he has to explain and it’s already taken a tremendous amount of courage for him to even tell his best friend what happened anyway. He’ll let her think it’s bulimia. It’s easier that way.

Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder, specifically purging disorder. That’s the closest thing he can find to describe his behavior. Even then though, it’s not a perfect fit. The definition for that disorder includes purging to lose weight, and Tim knows that that’s not him. He doesn’t perfectly align with any of the precise medical definitions he finds, even after hours of research.

It’s a bit alienating to say the least. Some nights he sits in his bed and wonders _‘Do I even have an eating disorder?’_ He’s never officially seen a doctor or psychologist to discuss his issues so he’s never been able to receive an official diagnosis. At this point, he doesn’t see much point in it either. It’s been over two years since the last time he actively tried to make himself throw up and yeah, he might still get the urge to purge every now and again after something awful happens, but he hasn’t actually done it.

Maybe he’s just faking it for attention, or at the very least overplaying it. People with _real_ eating disorders don’t want their loved ones to find out about it. Tim though… not only did Tim tell his older brother himself what he was doing, but even now he sometimes finds himself wishing his family and friends--the people who know his struggles--will notice things.

It’s stupid and manipulative and he knows he’s setting himself up for disappointment, but sometimes Tim devises what he likes to call “tests.” After a meal, he’ll go to the bathroom, run water from the faucet, and purposefully bite on his knuckles enough to make them visibly red. He then rejoins his family and pops a piece of gum in his mouth to make it seem he’s trying to cover vomit breath. He just wants to see if people will notice. They never do.

It makes Tim wish that he _had_ crammed his fingers down his throat, just to spite them but after a few seconds the feeling passes and he’s left with incredible loneliness and guilt. It’s not their fault that they didn’t notice, and it’s not like he  _actually_  harmed himself anyway so he's not in danger.

Then there are other times though, where his family is unnecessarily attentive.

“Are you sure you’ve eaten enough Tim? You’ve hardly touched your food these last few nights.” Dick leans in Tim’s doorway in an attempt to seem casual, but the younger boy can see the worry written all over his face. It’s two months after Tim told him about purging. The ironic thing is, Tim hasn’t even been thinking about food these past couple weeks. He genuinely hasn’t been hungry, no ulterior motives. But Dick’s question puts the idea right back into his head.

He’s not anorexic. Eating isn’t the issue here. Tim feels it’s unfair and impractical for anyone to try and monitor his food intake. That’s not what he needs. What he needs is…

Well, if he’s being honest Tim doesn’t know what he needs. When he gets attention he either hates it or feels like an selfish brat, forcing others to let him talk because if they don’t he’ll have a meltdown. When he’s unintentionally ignored, he irrationally feels like nobody cares about his health or him.

Two years since he’s last done it, and it still feels like his eating disorder will, in some shape or form, continue to ruin his life forever.

There are good days though.

Like the day after he told Dick, and Bruce sat him down to talk with him about it. More importantly though, he gave him _options_ about how he wanted to proceed, letting Tim decide where they should go from there. After the emotional discussion, he let Tim pick the films for an all day movie marathon that Dick and even Alfred joined him for.

After he told Stephanie, he noticed how the girl would make an effort to stop complaining about her own weight or body in front of him. Even if it wasn’t about the weight for Tim, he appreciated the obvious effort she put forth. It showed him that his best friend cared.

Here now, he sees Damian poring over various online articles about eating disorders. The boy definitely hasn’t heard him approach, or all the tabs would be closed out by now. The one he’s currently reading is titled _So Your Loved One has an Eating Disorder_ which almost makes Tim laugh at the thought of Damian using the term “loved one.” It’s nice though.

So no, it’s not perfect all the time. No, his family and friends don’t completely understand what he’s dealing with, and they probably never will, but they’re trying.

And in the end, that’s the best he can hope for.

**Author's Note:**

> If you or a loved one suffer from an eating disorder please don't be afraid to reach out for help
> 
> Helpline: (800)-931-2237
> 
> Or if you simply want more information go to:
> 
> https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/


End file.
